This week has been a tough one, our son has been completely off and we haven’t had a week like this for quite a while.
Upon reflection, I hadn’t prepared myself enough and needed to make sure my own needs were met way better than they were.
Thursday evening angry, resentful and unappreciated mummy came out, she hasn’t appeared for a very long time - because I’ve done so much work to become really good at recognising what is happening for me, for meeting my own needs.
This week, however, I self sacrificed, I put myself last, I said yes to things I knew I should not have agreed to. I knew better…. but because I hadn’t met my own needs this week (no one else job but mine)… Angry, resentful & unappreciated mummy came out in force, she opened the flood gates of unconsciousness. “Noone does anything around here, why am I the only one who puts anything away, gets anything ready” “I’d love to leave to go work too, yes I’d love to be able to leave in the morning and come home to a cooked meal, clean house and sorted children” … the list went on and on … the flurry continued in an unconscious flow as my family looked at me as if I was from another planet and had two heads.
I lost all sense of logic and calm, My normal mindfulness & gratitude practise went out the window… I couldn’t see how this was anyone but their fault… I was in that spiral of blame.
I cried …. I cried out of frustration, out of fear for our son’s future, for the life I thought we would’ve had… I cried for knowing better, for allowing this to happen, for the guilt and shame I felt “why has this happened after all the work I’ve done on myself….” “how much damage have I done to our connection?” “what will they believe about themselves after this tirade of crazy”...
And after I cried after I cleansed the bullshit thoughts away… once I calmed down I apologised to our middle daughter, (who always gives me such amazing wisdom)
“Mum, I knew it wasn’t you, I knew that is not who you are, I know you had, had enough and that it wasn’t us.”
“Mum I love you, it’s ok, you can have a rest tomorrow”...
Our 9 year old knew better than I did about what I needed to do, what I needed.
It took me ½ of Friday to become properly human again… some solitude on a lakefront walk, breathing, meditation and I was ready to stand up and face it all again.
I am grateful for these moments because it shows me the journey I’m on, it shows me my humanness and that I am a courageous, loving mumma with a lot to still work through. But that I still show up each day in love, with a smile and a huge open heart.
I’m right here with you beautiful hearts, I’m beside you on this rollercoaster ride.
#calmhappyhomelife
#vulurable
#consciousjourney
#alwayslearning
#alwaysgrowing